Its 4:30 am and I'm wide awake. Normally, I could go back to sleep but thinking about everything, my mind was going the minute I opened my eyes. Please bear with me as I know I will probably jump all over the place, but if I knew how to put it all in order I would write a book. I'm just typing while I think. Stick with me I'll get to a point sooner or later. :-)
I want you guys to realize that while I have never truly liked my body I don't feel that I've always had BDD. Bipolar on the other hand I believe I have been all my life. I'm going to start at the very beginning of my life because that's the first place the doctors want to talk about.
I had great parents (or at least I thought I did until discussing my life with the doctors). I loved both my parents very much and they did what they thought was right and tried to raise us the way they thought was correct. My nickname for my mother was Archie Bunker. Yes she was just like Archie and I called her that to her face in my adult years. She had a heart of gold but was very forthright with her thoughts and was not afraid to speak her mind. She could and would cut you to the quick with her words and not care if it hurt you or anyone else. "Its the damn truth ain't it?" she would say. I was just a little guy and I remember her telling me "I would rather my kids be dead than queer or on drugs". I really didn't think that much about that statement because that was just my mom.. It probably wasn't a good thing to hear when your just a little guy though. I knew I was gay at a VERY young age. Before I was 5 anyway. I never thought seriously about how those few words impacted my life. I became a very rebellious young man and was not a good child and worse adolescent. I'm a lot better adult. As a child (yes child) I did drugs and a little bit of everything else I wasn't supposed to. I grew up in a suburb outside Detroit and was what I thought was a pretty normal though rebellious child. When I was in the 8th grade my parents retired and moved us to their hometown in Southern Illinois. I hated it. The first week of school there I was ridiculed because I did not fit in. I got my ass kicked and my hair cut off in the first week of 8th grade so I wasn't liking S. Illinois. I fought being gay all my life. I hated being gay and GOD forbid my mother ever find out. In high school I was even more rebellious and of course did not finish school. When I was about 15ish I used to go to church every time the doors opened and I prayed and cried every day that I wasn't gay. "please God don't let me be a queer". I later finally after years of therapy and fighting it , I embraced my gayness when I finally came out (that's a great story I'll get to later).
The day I quit school we were in PE class and picking teams for flag football. I of course was the last one picked. One of the captains (JT) was a nice guy. We weren't friends, but he did say hi most of the time (and had a very cute ass btw). The other one (SC) was an ass and I knew it so no surprise there. But JT looked at SC and said "we will give you 2 extra people if you will take him". I felt like I was just hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. I looked at JT and all I said was "your a fucking asshole" and I walked out of school that day and didn't go back. I did go back 10 years later and went to night school for 2 years to get my diploma. I could have taken the GED but I wanted my diploma. Ok I digress. JT is now the coach at the same high school. I sure hope he doesn't allow the students now to be like he was. All these things have affected the way I've turned out. There are many things in our lives that we really don't think about that impact our lives greatly when we get older.
My dad was a nice guy and a VERY hard worker. Dad was older. He was 49 when I was born so he was always old to me, but a great dad nonetheless. He loved taking us tobogganing and roller skating. But, when he did get angry, he lost is mind. It was total crazy and we knew we were in for it. He would not punish us until he totally flipped out then he would beat us with a razor strap. Mom usually had to intervene so he didn't hurt us bad or worse. They say hind sight is 20/20 and looking back I'm pretty sure he had to have been bipolar also. I am my father (except for the BDD and gay parts). When I get angry and lose it, I lose it flat out. Do not get in my way when I get upset for sure. Being bipolar means you have highs and you have lows (opposite poles). Well my highs do not come out in the form of happiness or elation, my highs come out in the form of RAGE when I am angry. Since I am bipolar anyway, I do wish I was more like my dad. Guess what he weighed? LOL He was 5'8" 175 lbs. I am exactly like him minus his damn 25 lbs. LOL Dad always worked hard in construction and always had a great body for an older man. I have a picture somewhere of him flexing when he was in his 70's and its not bad. I would be alright if I had the body dad had when he was 50. (Ok probably not - I would probably want to get to that 200lb mark). Anyway, getting back to my story. Dad told me when I turned 18 or the day I could beat his ass I could go back to Detroit. Well, needless to say, the day I turned 18 I had my bus ticket, my bag packed and a $1000 in my pocket and at 10:00 AM the morning of my 18th birthday I went back home. I did try going up against the old man once then decided it would be best if I just waited until I was 18. lol. I got a got a car, got a job and an apartment and a life and was back home. I only had my apartment in Pontiac for a couple of months by myself when two childhood girl friends moved in and took over. Those were about the only 2 months of my life that I actually lived alone. After that I moved with them into one of their parents houses out by the lake in the neighborhood I grew up in. At that time in my life 18-20 I got into partying like crazy. I did just about every thing I could and then some. I finally did manage to come out when I was 20. Its a great story (nothing to do with BDD, but worth reading anyway). So here is my coming out story.
I had a friend "HogFace" (big Belgian biker looking guy) and Hogface or "Hoggie" as we sometimes called him and I were at a Halloween party. We weren't dressed up of course. We had each done two hits of mescaline (acid) and were sitting around and Hoggie mentioned this gay bar he just "happened into" on 7 mile and Woodward. I asked what? He said "Rick, its called the Gas Station, Take Woodward to 7 mile, go left on 7 mile then first left into parking lot. go in the back". LOL I was like ok whatever. Well I sat there for about a half hour and thought about it. I finally said "Well Hoggie, I've got to go" he said where you going and I replied "I just have to get out of here and get some air". He replied with a chuckle "Just remember its a left on 7 mile and the first left into the parking lot". LOL BASTARD! Well It was Halloween night and he knew exactly what he was doing (Thanks Hoggie for bringing me out). Well I wasn't real familiar with downtown Detroit but I took off anyway. I got down there and forgot about it being Halloween night. I was flying pretty high at this point and trippin. I entered the bar and before I could get a drink someone grabbed me by the ass lifted me off the ground and screamed bloody murder. When I turned around, some son of a bitch had a hoghead mask on, fish scales painted all over his body and was wearing a black jock strap. I was like fuck all this and I turned to the door to leave when just then a hot Italian man stepped out from behind the bar and asked where are you going so quick? I was like I wasnt expecting all this. He said "its Halloween, let me buy you a drink and stick around for a bit". Well I immediately fell in lust so yes I stayed. I wound up having a great time that night (not with him), but a great time anyway. That was my coming out story. I chased that hot Italian man for 6 months till I finally caught him and when we finally did get into bed the first thing he did was hit me right in the crotch full out. I came flying up out of that bed and was like what the hell did you do that for? He said "Oh I like that"! I said well let me hit you then? He said "NO I DON'T LIKE THAT". LOL Needless to say he was a freak and I never bothered again. FREAK!.
Its one of the better coming out stories I've heard. This big huge red neck Harley dude telling ME where the gay bar is. LOL. Too funny.
Ok back to seriousness about leading up to my BDD.
When I was in my early 30's I started working out with a trainer. I hated my body and wanted to change it. Well my partner and I at the time (great guy btw) were living down here in TN out in the country and there was a small gym in our town. I went into the gym to talk to the owner about working out there and told him. I will sign a year contract if you promise to work out with me and teach/train me every time I come in for 6 months. Well Jerry lived up to his end of the bargain and I mine. Right about at 6 months Jerry started to miss our work outs. "Well, I have to run some errands....well I have to meet my girlfriend" I finally said your leaving me aren't ya Jerry? LOL He laughed "yes I think you know what you are doing now". At that time I was doing pretty good. Three of us guys were standing in the gym one day and combining our bodies to make the perfect body. Well we all decided on Jerry's chest and shoulders, Dales arms (OMG) and they both looked at me and pointed and said at the same time "AND YOUR LEGS!" LOL Well that made me feel awesome. My legs were great at that time. I did have the best legs even thought they were both bigger guys. I was leg pressing over 650. I am also very vascular too so that is even better. Well I kept working out for the rest of my life, but my life was getting ready to take tragic turn.
On April 2000, I had left my first partner and now had a new partner (which I still have and he is awesome and the most important man in my life and my rock)!!!! I had moved to Nashville and taken a job in a warehouse. We were moving into a new store and were stocking the new warehouse and moving inventory. We didn't have any safety equipment at either store. We had put some stock too close to the sprinklers on the top shelf and some had to be moved so I was up on a pallet on the forklift trying to pull patio furniture on to the pallet to move it. I was on the rack and had stepped away from the pallet for a second then my hands slipped. There was nothing to grab onto and no where to go but down and down I went. 20 ft onto a concrete floor. I had lots of time to think while falling and I had enough forethought to land on my feet bend my knees and roll and that's what I did. A buddy of mine saw me fall and came running over. "Are you ok"? Hell no, my feet are broke, get my shoes off, my back is broke, get something for under my head and get me a Goddamn Cigarette! Yes I smoked at the time. (A totally different hell in my mind is quitting them damn things). I didn't even have the cigarette half finished before the ambulance got there. I told them to take me to Vanderbilt to the trauma center. Well I had crushed both heels (calcaneous) and broke one vertebrae in my back. I was in a back cast and both legs in casts for 6 months. I could not walk for 6 months and I laid there and watched EVERYTHING I had worked for go away (atrophy) and I can never get that back. Am I bitter? You bet your fucking life I'm bitter. I think that is the beginning of my introduction to BDD. I lost everything. I had dropped down into the 130's in weight. I had gotten up to 160 with double stacking steroids. Yes I wanted to be big so bad that I did roids!!!!! Well as soon as I could I was back in the gym trying to get it all back. I hated what I had become after being what I had been. (I know the body shouldn't matter right, I still have my life!). I got right back in the gym and worked my ass off, I was able to gain some back of course but would never return to where my body was again. Yes I'm bitter. I worked out so hard in the gym I would push on the leg press until I felt like my feet were breaking again. Well I was an idiot! They were breaking! or at least, I was breaking the steel screws off into my feet. It would take me a couple of minutes to stand up after each set. I went to have the hardware (which was crazy immense) in my feet removed and I had broken off three screws. I thought the pain would be less without the hardware since my feet had healed but the removal only made the pain worse by messing with the nerves. With the removal of the hardware, I was bed ridden for 6 weeks till the incisions healed so I lost everything AGAIN!. So for the last several years, I've been trying as hard as I possibly can to get back any scrap of body that might still be in there. ARGH! Too bad we just cant turn back time huh. They did say that my being a bodybuilder and having very strong legs that my legs were able to absorb the shock of the fall and saved my life. They said if I were a fat guy I would have just splattered. Guess I lived for a reason, but cant for the life of me figure out what the hell that is.
I do believe what I've talked about above has shaped me and lead to who and what I am. Including my BDD and bipolar disorders. When I'm in the gym, I will get a big guy in my sights and in my mind just let him have it (I mean cussing him out verbally in my mind and its not pretty "you GD MF'R I hate your F'n guts, you SOB, I'd like to ........." etc.....) when I'm working out and just push as hard as I can while hating his guts. Its my motivation. I know not right right? That's why they call it a mental illness I guess! For those moments when I am drawing concentration from them I am hating (and envying) them with all my heart and sole. I literally get myself so upset that like the other day the hate was so bad I got so depressed at this one guy it just triggered a bad bout of depression and I just went to bed and hoped to die! This is how I feel about my body versus the guy I was concentrating on at that moment.... If God came down from heaven and said you can swap bodies with him, but you will only live a couple of years, I would take that deal so fast it would make your head spin! Why you ask? Because I LOATH my body now and to shut down this constant haunting in my mind I would take it. I would give anything to be content in my skin just one time! He was one of the hottest men I've ever seen. His arms were bigger than my thighs are now. In my mind I wish not so kind things to happen to him. Crazy right. :-(
I believe that a lot of my BDD (probably all actually) is from my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence because of my younger life. I don't have either self-esteem nor self confidence! I've never been a confident man and NEVER felt I was and would NEVER be on the level of what that man was in the gym. That's a man. He had the chest of a God (which I have NO chest). His arms were bigger than my thighs, he had a great butt, huge legs and exuded nothing but self confidence. I have never ever had the self esteem or self confidence that that man exuded. I would kill for that kind of confidence!!!!! I guess that's what I am looking for. The happiness of just being me in MY body. I've never had any of that and I am beginning to think I will die looking for self approval.
Another thing I want you all to know and this is going to stir a lot of emotion in a lot of people, is that I have actually made a suicide attempt that failed of course or I wouldn't be sitting here. I was in the hospital for over 5 days that time. Then a year later I got depressed again and just mentioned it, well....they threw my ass right back in the hospital quicker than shit. That's how bad I hate being me guys. :-( Bipolar and BDD are some serious illnesses and there is not much help out there. Yes there are meds, but they only do so much. Finding a good doc is the most important. I have a good psychiatrist, I just need to find a the right therapist. I had a very nice guy, besides the obese one, but I've been seeing him for a few years now and still am not any better. Will be asking for a new referral from my doc when I see her on the 6th. These disorders are horrible and people do commit suicide all the time because of them. Some people don't leave the house for years and that's not starting to sound too bad. Hopefully, one day, I will either man up or shut up and don't see that happening any time soon. :-(
Well, I am going to close for now and go try and shut my mind off. LOL. (NEVER WORKS).
Have a good day and a GREAT New Year.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind.
Rick
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The hell in my mind. Living with bipolar and body dysmorphic disorders
Please read the definition before you start my blog.
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as dysmorphophobia[1] is sometimes referred to as body dysmorphia or dysmorphic syndrome[2]) is a (psychological) somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more.[3] It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD (Psychological Medicine, vol. 36, p. 877)
December 30, 2010
Hi. My name is Rick. I am a 52 year old gay man and I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I have never heard of BDD until my psyciatrist diagnosed me with it. BDD coupled with bipolar depression is not a good thing believe me. I would like you to know up front that this blog may not be so nice if I am to talk about my journey with this mental illness truthfully. I also need/want to connect to others that have the same condition. My kind of BDD is also refered to as Bigorexia or The Adonis complex and also a form of OCD because it becomes an obscession that really changes people lives and their families lives. I have to vent with someone and if your reading this your the one. I ask for your understanding when reading this as it is a mental illness that I have to live with, cope with and still try and function every minute of every day.
BDD is not something you can talk about with ANYONE. Everyone thinks I'm crazy which I probably am. How do I discuss that I hate being 5'7" and 150 lbs and can't gain an ounce of muscle no matter how hard I try with a Psycologist that is eaisly 100 lbs over weight? When I told him that I hated that I am so small and skinny his reply was a flippant "well everyone dislikes their bodies". I told him. You just dont get it. I think about it all the time. I get angry in the gym when I see someone that is built like I want to be. Bad things run through my mind and I get very depressed. Then of course my bipolar depression kicks in and just makes it worse. I hate it! I just want to go to bed and close out the world.
What the doctor doesnt get is that this runs through my mind constantly. I obscess! I have the words "wish big" incorpoerated into my genie tatoo on my back. I look at guys that could be the size I want to be if they even made an effort and they don't even try. I get so angry. I'm talking loathing and envy here folks. I'm not trying to get 6'2" and 230 lbs of solid muscle. I will just be happy being 5'7" 175 ONLY 25 lbs and I cant gain that. I just get so frustrated. I try every thing and it just seems futle.
I know a lot of people would love to be able to NOT put on weight. I get told all the time I look great and complements, but when I look in the mirror I see someone that looks thin and fraile. After learning of my diagnosis, I know why. My mirror is truly broken!
Thanks for reading and I hope you come back often and share this with your friends. Maybe it will help someone else. Hopefully it will help me heal and maintain my sanity some also.
I am going to close now to go eat and hopefully write some more tonight. If not, definitely tomorrow. I will try for every day. Believe me, I have lots of stories to tell leading up to this point in my life. Been told to write a book but lets try a blog first. :-)
Thanks for reading,
Rick
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