The hell in my mind. Living with bipolar and body dysmorphic disorders

Please read the definition before you start my blog.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as dysmorphophobia^[1] is sometimes referred to as body dysmorphia or dysmorphic syndrome^[2]) is a (psychological) somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features (body image). The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more.^[3] It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD (Psychological Medicine, vol. 36, p. 877)


December 30, 2010

Hi. My name is Rick. I am a 52 year old gay man and I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I have never heard of BDD until my psyciatrist diagnosed me with it. BDD coupled with bipolar depression is not a good thing believe me. I would like you to know up front that this blog may not be so nice if I am to talk about my journey with this mental illness truthfully. I also need/want to connect to others that have the same condition. My kind of BDD is also refered to as Bigorexia or The Adonis complex and also a form of OCD because it becomes an obscession that really changes people lives and their families lives. I have to vent with someone and if your reading this your the one. I ask for your understanding when reading this as it is a mental illness that I have to live with, cope with and still try and function every minute of every day.

BDD is not something you can talk about with ANYONE. Everyone thinks I'm crazy which I probably am. How do I discuss that I hate being 5'7" and 150 lbs and can't gain an ounce of muscle no matter how hard I try with a Psycologist that is eaisly 100 lbs over weight? When I told him that I hated that I am so small and skinny his reply was a flippant "well everyone dislikes their bodies". I told him. You just dont get it. I think about it all the time. I get angry in the gym when I see someone that is built like I want to be. Bad things run through my mind and I get very depressed. Then of course my bipolar depression kicks in and just makes it worse. I hate it!  I just want to go to bed and close out the world.

What the doctor doesnt get is that this runs through my mind constantly. I obscess!  I have the words "wish big" incorpoerated into my genie tatoo on my back.  I look at guys that could be the size I want to be if they even made an effort and they don't even try.  I get so angry. I'm talking loathing and envy here folks. I'm not trying to get 6'2" and 230 lbs of solid muscle. I will just be happy being 5'7" 175  ONLY 25 lbs and I cant gain that. I just get so frustrated. I try every thing and it just seems futle.

I know a lot of people would love to be able to NOT put on weight. I get told all the time I look great and complements, but when I look in the mirror I see someone that looks thin and fraile. After learning of my diagnosis, I know why. My mirror is truly broken!

Thanks for reading and I hope you come back often and share this with your friends. Maybe it will help someone else. Hopefully it will help me heal and maintain my sanity some also.

I am going to close now to go eat and hopefully write some more tonight. If not, definitely tomorrow. I will try for every day. Believe me, I have lots of stories to tell leading up to this point in my life. Been told to write a book but lets try a blog first. :-)

Thanks for reading,
Rick