Last post

Hi guys. I know I haven't been blogging long, but I am going to stop. There are many reasons but the main one is it is just making me obsess more and I don't need that. I will just have to go back to keeping it bottled up inside. Hell I've been doing that for 50 years I guess I will do it the rest of my life.  Just remember that when you meet someone, you have no clue what battle they are fighting or what Hell might be going on in their mind. Please know that BDD and Bipolar disorders are very real and can take over a persons whole life. Its something that I and many other people deal with on a day to day basis. Thanks for reading my blog guys. I appreciated it although now you probably know WAY more than you ever wanted to know about me. We all need someone to talk to from time to time. Thanks for listening.
Rick

Another day on the roller coaster ride

I woke up obsessing this morning as usual! I sure wish I could just stop my mind for a while. I don't know why the hell I think I can look like I did when I was younger. I can't. Nobody can. Hell I don't want to look like I did when I was younger, I just want to look like someone else. 52 years old with a partial 6 pack is just not good enough. I want the whole 6 pack and a chest to go with it. We have been working out harder and more consistent so maybe I will see some better results. Not optimistic here but what the hell we can always dream. I wish I could just hit the lottery! I already have a list of surgery's that I want HA! I see my new therapist today so hopefully we will click. I know there is no magic button to shut my mind off but maybe she can help. I sure hope so. When I wake up obsessing (as I usually do), it just starts the day off on a bad note. I don't know what the hell I am expecting? I know all this sounds like crazy shit (sounds like crazy shit to me too) and I should just "get over it", but it's just not that easy. If it were I would do it. My mind never stops. Even when I am doing something else, it is on my mind. I'm an old man. I don't know what the hell I am expecting?  As I said before, I just want to be happy being me and that has never happened in my life. I've always been insecure with myself and I guess always sought out stronger people than me to be in my life. That's like some of the women that have been in my life. Very strong and strong willed to the point of overbearing. OMG  Please don't tell me I seek out my mom! LOL. I guess I will just go to my grave with my mind constantly running the same old picture over and over and over. Once I fixate on something I can't get my mind off of it. (tattoo boy for now). I try and tell myself Shit Rick he is probably 22 years old and has been working out all his life. My friend Jack used to ask me to work out with him when I was in my teens, but I was too busy partying and doing drugs like an idiot! Sure wish I would have gotten into it then. I guess it really doesn't matter though. Because of my accident I would have lost it all anyway. ARGH! It's all just very frustrating! I just wish I could make my mind stop. Maybe someday I will be comfortable being an old man but I doubt it. Just shoot me!

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell In My Mind.
Rick.

If you are reading this for the first time, please go back to the beginning and read from there. You will have to go to the bottom and pick older posts then do the same until you get to the beginning.

Snow day

Good morning everyone. I didn't post this weekend because it was a pretty uneventful weekend. Saturday I woke up at 3:30 am because I forgot to take my sleeping pill. Guess what the first thought on my mind was when my eyes opened at 3:30. Duh. My body. or more specifically Tattoo boy's body at the gym. He is perfect and I guess I was dreaming about why I can't look like that because he was definitely the first thing on my mind. We have names for several of the guys that go to our gym. Tattoo boy, Gymnast boy. Mr. Perfect etc. Those three are all shorter than I am but they have great bodies. Its just pretty damn bad when you are even haunted in your dreams that you wake up thinking about it. Just sucks. My depression hasn't been too bad this weekend though. Yes always some depression, but not nearly as bad as it had been lately.
There is also a little guy (and by little I mean little, maybe 5"0  maybe 135 lbs that goes to our gym and his body is tight as hell. There is nothing huge about this guy, but his self confidence and self esteem just over power you. My partner said "he's a lot smaller than you and he is confident as hell, why can't you be like that"?   Hell I don't know. Sure wish I could. He looks good. Other than the fact that he probably has to buy clothes in the boys department.

I don't know how long I will continue this blog. I've been thinking about it this weekend. I think that by me thinking about it all the time and writing it down it may be just making it worse. I know that it is hurting some people emotionally besides myself that I would not hurt for anything. I will keep the blog open until I see the new therapist. Just so she can read the damn thing and I won't have to repeat all this bullshit!.

I don't feel today will be a good day, but going to try and make it that way anyway.

will close for now.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind!
Rick

We had a hard workout in the gym yesterday. Today is cardio and shoulders. Shoulders are usually a shorter workout so we are trying to pair the two together. The gym was very rough emotionally for me yesterday. At one point my partner told me "just face that way. look at the wall". He knew I was so kicking myself in the ass because of the people in there. I swear to god every built man in the world was there and here I am this little stick of an old man trying to bust ass basically for nothing because I will never grow. So yes, there is bitterness and some depression today. 

My sister said she always thought that I "had it together". I do have it together on the surface (with the help of the two partners in my life) but the inside has always been fucked up. I reminded her I was in therapy when I was about 14. Mom and I were fighting about something one day and I said something like you have no clue what I am going through. Well she called my best friends mom (my 2nd mom) and she told my her that she thought I was gay. Well Archie had me in therapy the next day. The first guy I talked to was a big fat balding old man that played with himself behind the desk while he was talking to me. I told mom I wasn't going back. I did not tell her why, just that I would not go back. Then I got another therapist. This was a younger lady and she just told me that I was gay and it was ok. My response was a very loud No I am not and No it is not ok. I refused to go back to anyone else and fought the battle in solitude in my mind until I came out when I was 19. Then went back into therapy when I was about 20 and thus the therapy cycle began.  Sometimes I think the more we talk about it the worse it makes it. Will I ever be "fixed" or "together"? Probably not but you have to give me credit damn it. I've tried.  I try to make myself understand/accept that I am 52 years old and that I pretty much am what I will  ever be. That's depressing in itself. Is it worth the constant struggle to try and fight off aging  when we know that it's coming hell or high water? I would give up the fight against aging if someone would tell me how NOT to care?  I see people every day that obviously could give two shits about the way they look and they seem just happy as can be. As a gay man, did I just get more than my share of vanity? I often wonder if all this BDD bullshit is about vanity and I have concluded that it absolutely is. It's a combination of all factors of course i.e. vanity, envy, jealousy, bipolar, BDD/mental illness, enviroment   genetics etc. All contributing factors in my life. Someone please tell me where the I don't give a shit button is!  

I'm going to have to stop for now. Time to eat and take my scrawny ass to the gym. I've rambled enough for one post.

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick

Quiet day today

Hopefully a nice quiet weekend too. Took a ride out to Cookeville and had a late Christmas with my ex partner and his mom. We went out for lunch at a buffet. It was really good.  Not a lot to say today guys. I did say I would try to do daily posts, this is it for today. :-)  Will post more in the morning.

Thanks,
Rick.

Doc apt.

Had a good visit with my psychiatrist today. She is trying to find someone that has a lot of experience with BDD. I did ask her if she had read my blog and she had. She is happy I'm writing things down. She also gave me another writing chore to help me. I won't be sharing them with anyone (including my partner). She says I need to write some letters and get some stuff off my head/chest and then burn them as a way of healing. I think that's a good thing and definitely will be doing that. There are a lot of people that affected my live in a negative way (most unknowingly) that I can't talk to any more. People that have passed. We did have a good visit today and I was thankful for that. I did ask my doc if she thought a gay therapist would be better for me and she said no I want you to see someone with experience with BDD whether they be gay or not. Which absolutely makes sense. Hopefully we can find someone I can relate to. We were talking about the severity levels of BDD and she said that was what Karen Carpenter died from because Anorexia is of course a form of BDD. Not to mention the suicides. The stupid shit that the brain comes up with just amazes me.

Just one more thing I do want to say before I quit for the gym. About my parents, I love my parents dearly and I know they loved me dearly. They were old school and as far as I was concerned till therapy great parents. Believe me I have a lot more positives about me from them than I do negatives. The person that did things they shouldn't have was fighting a battle I am all too familiar with. Being gay! I do believe it was harder on him than it was on me because I eventually got to come out and be at peace with that part of me. I have a great family even with all of our dysfunction. :-) Just wanted to say that.

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick.