Another day on the roller coaster ride

I woke up obsessing this morning as usual! I sure wish I could just stop my mind for a while. I don't know why the hell I think I can look like I did when I was younger. I can't. Nobody can. Hell I don't want to look like I did when I was younger, I just want to look like someone else. 52 years old with a partial 6 pack is just not good enough. I want the whole 6 pack and a chest to go with it. We have been working out harder and more consistent so maybe I will see some better results. Not optimistic here but what the hell we can always dream. I wish I could just hit the lottery! I already have a list of surgery's that I want HA! I see my new therapist today so hopefully we will click. I know there is no magic button to shut my mind off but maybe she can help. I sure hope so. When I wake up obsessing (as I usually do), it just starts the day off on a bad note. I don't know what the hell I am expecting? I know all this sounds like crazy shit (sounds like crazy shit to me too) and I should just "get over it", but it's just not that easy. If it were I would do it. My mind never stops. Even when I am doing something else, it is on my mind. I'm an old man. I don't know what the hell I am expecting?  As I said before, I just want to be happy being me and that has never happened in my life. I've always been insecure with myself and I guess always sought out stronger people than me to be in my life. That's like some of the women that have been in my life. Very strong and strong willed to the point of overbearing. OMG  Please don't tell me I seek out my mom! LOL. I guess I will just go to my grave with my mind constantly running the same old picture over and over and over. Once I fixate on something I can't get my mind off of it. (tattoo boy for now). I try and tell myself Shit Rick he is probably 22 years old and has been working out all his life. My friend Jack used to ask me to work out with him when I was in my teens, but I was too busy partying and doing drugs like an idiot! Sure wish I would have gotten into it then. I guess it really doesn't matter though. Because of my accident I would have lost it all anyway. ARGH! It's all just very frustrating! I just wish I could make my mind stop. Maybe someday I will be comfortable being an old man but I doubt it. Just shoot me!

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell In My Mind.
Rick.