We had a hard workout in the gym yesterday. Today is cardio and shoulders. Shoulders are usually a shorter workout so we are trying to pair the two together. The gym was very rough emotionally for me yesterday. At one point my partner told me "just face that way. look at the wall". He knew I was so kicking myself in the ass because of the people in there. I swear to god every built man in the world was there and here I am this little stick of an old man trying to bust ass basically for nothing because I will never grow. So yes, there is bitterness and some depression today. 

My sister said she always thought that I "had it together". I do have it together on the surface (with the help of the two partners in my life) but the inside has always been fucked up. I reminded her I was in therapy when I was about 14. Mom and I were fighting about something one day and I said something like you have no clue what I am going through. Well she called my best friends mom (my 2nd mom) and she told my her that she thought I was gay. Well Archie had me in therapy the next day. The first guy I talked to was a big fat balding old man that played with himself behind the desk while he was talking to me. I told mom I wasn't going back. I did not tell her why, just that I would not go back. Then I got another therapist. This was a younger lady and she just told me that I was gay and it was ok. My response was a very loud No I am not and No it is not ok. I refused to go back to anyone else and fought the battle in solitude in my mind until I came out when I was 19. Then went back into therapy when I was about 20 and thus the therapy cycle began.  Sometimes I think the more we talk about it the worse it makes it. Will I ever be "fixed" or "together"? Probably not but you have to give me credit damn it. I've tried.  I try to make myself understand/accept that I am 52 years old and that I pretty much am what I will  ever be. That's depressing in itself. Is it worth the constant struggle to try and fight off aging  when we know that it's coming hell or high water? I would give up the fight against aging if someone would tell me how NOT to care?  I see people every day that obviously could give two shits about the way they look and they seem just happy as can be. As a gay man, did I just get more than my share of vanity? I often wonder if all this BDD bullshit is about vanity and I have concluded that it absolutely is. It's a combination of all factors of course i.e. vanity, envy, jealousy, bipolar, BDD/mental illness, enviroment   genetics etc. All contributing factors in my life. Someone please tell me where the I don't give a shit button is!  

I'm going to have to stop for now. Time to eat and take my scrawny ass to the gym. I've rambled enough for one post.

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick