Getting back to the gym

Well, we are going to be heading back into the gym today to try and start 2011 in a good way. I am going to re-commit myself again. I know I won't grow if I don't stay with it for sure. I have to work #1 on nutrition, #2 on consistency, and #3 on intensity. Like my partner told me "you can't get depressed and go to bed for days every time you see a built guy with the body you want".  I really do try hard to NOT get depressed but its not that easy for me. It just happens. I wish there was a magic switch to turn on and off but there's not. Everyone says I should have a more positive outlook on life, but they never tell me where that switch is either. My problem is I do comparisons with other people and the only thing I should have to compare Me to is Me. Sounds easy right? Ok we'll just go with that for now. I think its not totally their bodies that I envy , it's their inner strength, confidence, masculinity and self esteem they exude and that they are comfortable in their own skin. I sure would like to know what that feels like. I keep hoping I will get old enough (and should be already) that I just don't give a shit, but that day has not come yet either!!  I sure wish it would. You know this crap was on my mind as soon as I opened my eyes this morning.  I guess I am just an insecure guy and always will be.

That brings to mind another thing. I have only been on my own maybe about two months in my entire life. Otherwise, I have either had a roommate or a partner. I was with my first partner for 20 years, and with my current partner for 11 years.  So I know that I am codependent also. Being on my own has always been a scary thought and I don't even have the self confidence to think that I could make it on my own if I had to. Do all my insecurities stem from my childhood? Of course. Everything stems from childhood and effects who we are. I don't play the blame game or anything like that. I know what causes my depression and BDD; Life causes it. It's not a matter of what caused it. It's a matter of how do I fix it.  That's the answer I need to find. How do I fix it and feel comfortable in my skin and finally like myself?  When I figure out that question, I will let you all know and close the blog. Any  suggestions as to where I can find that magic switch?

Have a great day guys. I sure am going to try.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind.
Rick.