Doctor day

Again, If you are reading my blog for the first time, go back to the beginning and start with the first post.

Well yesterday truly sucked. I didn't quite get to sleep through the night but that's ok. I needed to get up and eat anyway. Hopefully today will be better. One day at a time. I see the psychiatrist  today maybe she can at least send me to someone else to talk to. They say if one therapist isn't a fit keep trying until you get one that is. Will see how that works out for me. I would still love to stay in bed today. I put in for a tomorrow off from work but have not been approved yet. Maybe tomorrow can be my bed day. I HOPE! I get real tired of trying to put on a happy face and deal with the day. I guess we all do though. I just wish I could be one of those little Pollyanna's and everything was all nice and bubbly all the time. I just don't work that way. I don't know if its the disorders or just me but I have a very hard time being positive about things. Especially ME. I do feel guilty about not going to the gym yesterday but it was only a cardio day anyway. Will get back in there today and go for it. I wonder what it would be like to have a great body and be filled with confidence and self esteem. Just to, but not exceeding the point of cockiness. That is my dream. I just want to feel good about being me! Is that too much to ask for? Hasn't happened yet that's for sure. I need some "swagger"!!!!!! My partner once told me "when you think you look good and have some self confidence, you are very attractive, when you don't have that self confidence you are not attractive".  I mean I guess that makes sense. Nobody wants a wimpy guy that's for sure. Well, I mostly stay that wimpy guy. I used to have SOME confidence, but haven't witnessed that guy for a long time.

Ok. We know what broke me. My  genetics and my environment broke me. Lots of things have happened in my life that have shaped the way I am. One thing I have not told anyone is that (and I fought hard with whether to post this or even how to word it) I had someone do things to me when I was just a little guy that they should not have. It was a VERY young age and the person that did it didn't really know any better and he was battling being gay too. I won't go into details, but yes that happened too. See, One FUCKED up man here. You know, most times I don't even feel like a "man". Soooooooooo, we know how I broke, now the question I am going to pose to my shrink is now how the hell do we fix it. I'm tired of talking about what broke me, lets talk about fixing me!  I wonder what it would be like waking up as that guy in the gym. Would I be happy? Is he happy? He sure seems it, but looks are deceiving for sure. I'm sure one hell of an example of that. That guy is full of self confidence and self esteem. He reaks of self worth. He seems very comfortable in his skin. That's all I want. Just to be happy being me even if it is a 150 lb old man. Am I fighting BDD,  or am I just fighting getting old?  I assume both in my case I guess. Nobody likes the getting old process but I would be a lot happier getting old in my pre-accident body for sure! At what point do I get to the I don't give a damn stage and mean it? When does this contentment with growing old happen? I'm waiting !!  I also want to tell you one more thing about me that probably didn't do me much good in my development either. Archie (mom) used to tell me "No you little bastard, we didn't want you, but we wouldn't take anything for you now". Well to be fair to mom, they were living up above a guys barn with 3 kids and stealing eggs and chickens to eat. I don't blame them. I sure as hell would not have wanted another child at that time either. Mom said she used to take "quinine and Humphrey 11 tablets to try and abort me".  Again, don't blame her, but it didn't help my development either for sure. That was just mom being mom. I didn't take it as mean or anything but now that I am older, a parent shouldn't say those things but she was honest to the core. She didn't mean to hurt me in any way. There is no doubt that my parents both loved me with all their hearts. They just did what they thought was right. Back then there was no Bipolar or anything like that. Well guys, it's past time for me to get in the shower so I better get ready for the day.

Make it a good one. I sure am going to try.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind.
Rick.