Snow day

Good morning everyone. I didn't post this weekend because it was a pretty uneventful weekend. Saturday I woke up at 3:30 am because I forgot to take my sleeping pill. Guess what the first thought on my mind was when my eyes opened at 3:30. Duh. My body. or more specifically Tattoo boy's body at the gym. He is perfect and I guess I was dreaming about why I can't look like that because he was definitely the first thing on my mind. We have names for several of the guys that go to our gym. Tattoo boy, Gymnast boy. Mr. Perfect etc. Those three are all shorter than I am but they have great bodies. Its just pretty damn bad when you are even haunted in your dreams that you wake up thinking about it. Just sucks. My depression hasn't been too bad this weekend though. Yes always some depression, but not nearly as bad as it had been lately.
There is also a little guy (and by little I mean little, maybe 5"0  maybe 135 lbs that goes to our gym and his body is tight as hell. There is nothing huge about this guy, but his self confidence and self esteem just over power you. My partner said "he's a lot smaller than you and he is confident as hell, why can't you be like that"?   Hell I don't know. Sure wish I could. He looks good. Other than the fact that he probably has to buy clothes in the boys department.

I don't know how long I will continue this blog. I've been thinking about it this weekend. I think that by me thinking about it all the time and writing it down it may be just making it worse. I know that it is hurting some people emotionally besides myself that I would not hurt for anything. I will keep the blog open until I see the new therapist. Just so she can read the damn thing and I won't have to repeat all this bullshit!.

I don't feel today will be a good day, but going to try and make it that way anyway.

will close for now.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind!
Rick