Last post

Hi guys. I know I haven't been blogging long, but I am going to stop. There are many reasons but the main one is it is just making me obsess more and I don't need that. I will just have to go back to keeping it bottled up inside. Hell I've been doing that for 50 years I guess I will do it the rest of my life.  Just remember that when you meet someone, you have no clue what battle they are fighting or what Hell might be going on in their mind. Please know that BDD and Bipolar disorders are very real and can take over a persons whole life. Its something that I and many other people deal with on a day to day basis. Thanks for reading my blog guys. I appreciated it although now you probably know WAY more than you ever wanted to know about me. We all need someone to talk to from time to time. Thanks for listening.
Rick

Another day on the roller coaster ride

I woke up obsessing this morning as usual! I sure wish I could just stop my mind for a while. I don't know why the hell I think I can look like I did when I was younger. I can't. Nobody can. Hell I don't want to look like I did when I was younger, I just want to look like someone else. 52 years old with a partial 6 pack is just not good enough. I want the whole 6 pack and a chest to go with it. We have been working out harder and more consistent so maybe I will see some better results. Not optimistic here but what the hell we can always dream. I wish I could just hit the lottery! I already have a list of surgery's that I want HA! I see my new therapist today so hopefully we will click. I know there is no magic button to shut my mind off but maybe she can help. I sure hope so. When I wake up obsessing (as I usually do), it just starts the day off on a bad note. I don't know what the hell I am expecting? I know all this sounds like crazy shit (sounds like crazy shit to me too) and I should just "get over it", but it's just not that easy. If it were I would do it. My mind never stops. Even when I am doing something else, it is on my mind. I'm an old man. I don't know what the hell I am expecting?  As I said before, I just want to be happy being me and that has never happened in my life. I've always been insecure with myself and I guess always sought out stronger people than me to be in my life. That's like some of the women that have been in my life. Very strong and strong willed to the point of overbearing. OMG  Please don't tell me I seek out my mom! LOL. I guess I will just go to my grave with my mind constantly running the same old picture over and over and over. Once I fixate on something I can't get my mind off of it. (tattoo boy for now). I try and tell myself Shit Rick he is probably 22 years old and has been working out all his life. My friend Jack used to ask me to work out with him when I was in my teens, but I was too busy partying and doing drugs like an idiot! Sure wish I would have gotten into it then. I guess it really doesn't matter though. Because of my accident I would have lost it all anyway. ARGH! It's all just very frustrating! I just wish I could make my mind stop. Maybe someday I will be comfortable being an old man but I doubt it. Just shoot me!

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell In My Mind.
Rick.

If you are reading this for the first time, please go back to the beginning and read from there. You will have to go to the bottom and pick older posts then do the same until you get to the beginning.

Snow day

Good morning everyone. I didn't post this weekend because it was a pretty uneventful weekend. Saturday I woke up at 3:30 am because I forgot to take my sleeping pill. Guess what the first thought on my mind was when my eyes opened at 3:30. Duh. My body. or more specifically Tattoo boy's body at the gym. He is perfect and I guess I was dreaming about why I can't look like that because he was definitely the first thing on my mind. We have names for several of the guys that go to our gym. Tattoo boy, Gymnast boy. Mr. Perfect etc. Those three are all shorter than I am but they have great bodies. Its just pretty damn bad when you are even haunted in your dreams that you wake up thinking about it. Just sucks. My depression hasn't been too bad this weekend though. Yes always some depression, but not nearly as bad as it had been lately.
There is also a little guy (and by little I mean little, maybe 5"0  maybe 135 lbs that goes to our gym and his body is tight as hell. There is nothing huge about this guy, but his self confidence and self esteem just over power you. My partner said "he's a lot smaller than you and he is confident as hell, why can't you be like that"?   Hell I don't know. Sure wish I could. He looks good. Other than the fact that he probably has to buy clothes in the boys department.

I don't know how long I will continue this blog. I've been thinking about it this weekend. I think that by me thinking about it all the time and writing it down it may be just making it worse. I know that it is hurting some people emotionally besides myself that I would not hurt for anything. I will keep the blog open until I see the new therapist. Just so she can read the damn thing and I won't have to repeat all this bullshit!.

I don't feel today will be a good day, but going to try and make it that way anyway.

will close for now.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind!
Rick

We had a hard workout in the gym yesterday. Today is cardio and shoulders. Shoulders are usually a shorter workout so we are trying to pair the two together. The gym was very rough emotionally for me yesterday. At one point my partner told me "just face that way. look at the wall". He knew I was so kicking myself in the ass because of the people in there. I swear to god every built man in the world was there and here I am this little stick of an old man trying to bust ass basically for nothing because I will never grow. So yes, there is bitterness and some depression today. 

My sister said she always thought that I "had it together". I do have it together on the surface (with the help of the two partners in my life) but the inside has always been fucked up. I reminded her I was in therapy when I was about 14. Mom and I were fighting about something one day and I said something like you have no clue what I am going through. Well she called my best friends mom (my 2nd mom) and she told my her that she thought I was gay. Well Archie had me in therapy the next day. The first guy I talked to was a big fat balding old man that played with himself behind the desk while he was talking to me. I told mom I wasn't going back. I did not tell her why, just that I would not go back. Then I got another therapist. This was a younger lady and she just told me that I was gay and it was ok. My response was a very loud No I am not and No it is not ok. I refused to go back to anyone else and fought the battle in solitude in my mind until I came out when I was 19. Then went back into therapy when I was about 20 and thus the therapy cycle began.  Sometimes I think the more we talk about it the worse it makes it. Will I ever be "fixed" or "together"? Probably not but you have to give me credit damn it. I've tried.  I try to make myself understand/accept that I am 52 years old and that I pretty much am what I will  ever be. That's depressing in itself. Is it worth the constant struggle to try and fight off aging  when we know that it's coming hell or high water? I would give up the fight against aging if someone would tell me how NOT to care?  I see people every day that obviously could give two shits about the way they look and they seem just happy as can be. As a gay man, did I just get more than my share of vanity? I often wonder if all this BDD bullshit is about vanity and I have concluded that it absolutely is. It's a combination of all factors of course i.e. vanity, envy, jealousy, bipolar, BDD/mental illness, enviroment   genetics etc. All contributing factors in my life. Someone please tell me where the I don't give a shit button is!  

I'm going to have to stop for now. Time to eat and take my scrawny ass to the gym. I've rambled enough for one post.

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick

Quiet day today

Hopefully a nice quiet weekend too. Took a ride out to Cookeville and had a late Christmas with my ex partner and his mom. We went out for lunch at a buffet. It was really good.  Not a lot to say today guys. I did say I would try to do daily posts, this is it for today. :-)  Will post more in the morning.

Thanks,
Rick.

Doc apt.

Had a good visit with my psychiatrist today. She is trying to find someone that has a lot of experience with BDD. I did ask her if she had read my blog and she had. She is happy I'm writing things down. She also gave me another writing chore to help me. I won't be sharing them with anyone (including my partner). She says I need to write some letters and get some stuff off my head/chest and then burn them as a way of healing. I think that's a good thing and definitely will be doing that. There are a lot of people that affected my live in a negative way (most unknowingly) that I can't talk to any more. People that have passed. We did have a good visit today and I was thankful for that. I did ask my doc if she thought a gay therapist would be better for me and she said no I want you to see someone with experience with BDD whether they be gay or not. Which absolutely makes sense. Hopefully we can find someone I can relate to. We were talking about the severity levels of BDD and she said that was what Karen Carpenter died from because Anorexia is of course a form of BDD. Not to mention the suicides. The stupid shit that the brain comes up with just amazes me.

Just one more thing I do want to say before I quit for the gym. About my parents, I love my parents dearly and I know they loved me dearly. They were old school and as far as I was concerned till therapy great parents. Believe me I have a lot more positives about me from them than I do negatives. The person that did things they shouldn't have was fighting a battle I am all too familiar with. Being gay! I do believe it was harder on him than it was on me because I eventually got to come out and be at peace with that part of me. I have a great family even with all of our dysfunction. :-) Just wanted to say that.

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick.

Doctor day

Again, If you are reading my blog for the first time, go back to the beginning and start with the first post.

Well yesterday truly sucked. I didn't quite get to sleep through the night but that's ok. I needed to get up and eat anyway. Hopefully today will be better. One day at a time. I see the psychiatrist  today maybe she can at least send me to someone else to talk to. They say if one therapist isn't a fit keep trying until you get one that is. Will see how that works out for me. I would still love to stay in bed today. I put in for a tomorrow off from work but have not been approved yet. Maybe tomorrow can be my bed day. I HOPE! I get real tired of trying to put on a happy face and deal with the day. I guess we all do though. I just wish I could be one of those little Pollyanna's and everything was all nice and bubbly all the time. I just don't work that way. I don't know if its the disorders or just me but I have a very hard time being positive about things. Especially ME. I do feel guilty about not going to the gym yesterday but it was only a cardio day anyway. Will get back in there today and go for it. I wonder what it would be like to have a great body and be filled with confidence and self esteem. Just to, but not exceeding the point of cockiness. That is my dream. I just want to feel good about being me! Is that too much to ask for? Hasn't happened yet that's for sure. I need some "swagger"!!!!!! My partner once told me "when you think you look good and have some self confidence, you are very attractive, when you don't have that self confidence you are not attractive".  I mean I guess that makes sense. Nobody wants a wimpy guy that's for sure. Well, I mostly stay that wimpy guy. I used to have SOME confidence, but haven't witnessed that guy for a long time.

Ok. We know what broke me. My  genetics and my environment broke me. Lots of things have happened in my life that have shaped the way I am. One thing I have not told anyone is that (and I fought hard with whether to post this or even how to word it) I had someone do things to me when I was just a little guy that they should not have. It was a VERY young age and the person that did it didn't really know any better and he was battling being gay too. I won't go into details, but yes that happened too. See, One FUCKED up man here. You know, most times I don't even feel like a "man". Soooooooooo, we know how I broke, now the question I am going to pose to my shrink is now how the hell do we fix it. I'm tired of talking about what broke me, lets talk about fixing me!  I wonder what it would be like waking up as that guy in the gym. Would I be happy? Is he happy? He sure seems it, but looks are deceiving for sure. I'm sure one hell of an example of that. That guy is full of self confidence and self esteem. He reaks of self worth. He seems very comfortable in his skin. That's all I want. Just to be happy being me even if it is a 150 lb old man. Am I fighting BDD,  or am I just fighting getting old?  I assume both in my case I guess. Nobody likes the getting old process but I would be a lot happier getting old in my pre-accident body for sure! At what point do I get to the I don't give a damn stage and mean it? When does this contentment with growing old happen? I'm waiting !!  I also want to tell you one more thing about me that probably didn't do me much good in my development either. Archie (mom) used to tell me "No you little bastard, we didn't want you, but we wouldn't take anything for you now". Well to be fair to mom, they were living up above a guys barn with 3 kids and stealing eggs and chickens to eat. I don't blame them. I sure as hell would not have wanted another child at that time either. Mom said she used to take "quinine and Humphrey 11 tablets to try and abort me".  Again, don't blame her, but it didn't help my development either for sure. That was just mom being mom. I didn't take it as mean or anything but now that I am older, a parent shouldn't say those things but she was honest to the core. She didn't mean to hurt me in any way. There is no doubt that my parents both loved me with all their hearts. They just did what they thought was right. Back then there was no Bipolar or anything like that. Well guys, it's past time for me to get in the shower so I better get ready for the day.

Make it a good one. I sure am going to try.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind.
Rick.

Today

I knew this morning that today was going to suck and it did!. Very depressed today. Heading to bed. Hopefully if I am lucky I wont wake up till tomorrow, if at all.

Not going to be a good day.

Good morning everyone. The gym was packed last night. The first of January always sucks in the gym. People will get tired of their new years resolutions by the end of the month and all will be back to normal. My guy was there yesterday so yes I got depressed. I would give anything to stay in bed today!!!!. I'm trying to not let it get me down too bad though. Its going to be a rough day. I get so sick of being a thin toothpick I could just scream! ARGHHHHHHHHHH  Ok. got that over with. Still don't feel much better. I think if you work out as hard as I work out you should have the damn body you want! I think I must have been very bad in my last life to get stuck with this body in this one. I wish I could just stay home in bed, but have to put the smiley face on and go to work. It's hard to get through days like this. I'll make it though I always do. Partner has club meeting tonight so I will be home alone. Suppose to go to the gym and do cardio and tan, but may just hit the bed when I get home.(bed is definitely the favorite right now).  Will see. I need the gym and tan, but the bed sure sounds better. Have you ever wanted to just beat the living shit out of someone because they looked TOO good? That's how I felt about that guy in the gym. BASTARD!  Nobody in the world needs to look as good as he does unless its me! I swear sometimes I feel like God gave me the short end of the stick! They say everyone has positives, but I don't know of mine other than my work ethic. I am good at what I do and that is something I care about immensely and am proud of. I have a great job and that's very important. I don't care how good your job is, it still sucks from time to time. Mine is going to suck today. I wish I could just call in, but cant do that to the rest of the group! At least I work with friends so if I need someone I know they are there for me. I know I could probably get FMLA for my mental illness and could stay home if I had it, but I refuse to get it. I have seen people abuse that system so bad and I know that the rest of the team that has to pull that person's weight just gets angry with them when they lay out all the time. Not that I would, but don't want FMLA until it is truly necessary. I probably don't need to be working when my mind is just not there like its not going to be today. Well Time to get ready to face this sucky day. Can we just skip today please? I know I will obsess all day today. Anyone see the off switch to my mind? I think I will need it.  Man I don't want to do this today. Touch Shit huh! ARGH. This is where I tell myself to shut up and suck it up and do what you have to do. A little prayer my  way today would be nice guys. Its going to be a bad day for me.

Thanks for reading and caring about The hell In my mind.
Rick.

Bipolar disorder video 2

Here is the second episode I found in this series.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMMDYZdJBeM&playnext=1&list=PL158AF16385DD2FF1&index=16

Weird they way you have to get to it, but it works nonetheless.

Time to hit the gym. Hopefully it will be a good gym day. I'm pretty sure were doing legs today so I will definitely take a pain pill before I go. Something else I would like to talk about is pain. Both my heels were shattered and 1 vertebrae was broke. I know people that say well I have leg pain or I have shoulder pain etc. You can still get out and do what you can. At that point, it is therapy. Lets just say I have to do a lot of therapy. :-)  I hurt constantly whether I am working out or not. In the gym I have to be real strict and careful with the movements so to not injure my poor old body more. I have pain. I work through it. If it hurts doing something one way, do it another. It can be worked out. I WILL GROW DAMN IT!!!!!  Ok, back to the bipolar thing.....  When this doctor talks about the mania part of bipolar, he never mentions anger. I think just irritable or something like that. LOL. Ok.  I also want to mention that I know that I can never be off my medicine again. I sure as hell don't want to do the long term depression thing again. This intermittent crap is bad enough. This is something I can control with medicine just like my diabetes, a "mmanageable chronic illness". Constantly striving to be better!

Will close for now.
Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick

Bipolar disorder

I havent touched much on Bipolar as it is not the thing that is constantly on my mind. Here is a little video explaining what bipolar is and how to recognize it. Hope you enjoy it. I think we all know somone who is bipolar besides me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzNwLvsA87E

Yesterday went pretty good. Hoping for another good day today. I think I finally figured out when this BDD crap came up in my life. It had to be when I had the steel removed from my feet. I didn't feel this way before then. I guess that it added so much pain that my mind knew there was never any chance of recovering anything that I had accomplished from before my accident. I wasn't like this before the hardware removal. It's really hard to tell when it came about. It could have been earlier because like I said I've never liked my body. There is a difference between liking or disliking your body than obsessing about it 24/7. I guess it doesn't really matter when it came about, it has and there is nothing I can do but cope with it.

The gym was busy yesterday. It always is right after the first of the year with all the New Years resolutions. I did feel a little better when I saw a newbie with arms like toothpicks curling 5 lbs weights. You would think I would be thankful that I'm not starting out like he is but no, I'm not. Just bitter as usual. I try to take things as they come because I know I could easily hit a trigger and get bad depressed again and find myself back in bed for a couple of days. What a crazy thing the mind is and how it works. I wish I could figure out how the hell to shut it off for sure. Make it a good day out there. I sure am going to try.

Thanks for reading and caring about The Hell in My Mind.
Rick

Video

I watched this this morning. Thought it might be insightful for others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4j1obXY_2o

Good morning all.

Well It's the first work day of 2011. It's also a 5 day work week. YUCK.  Well we went to the gym yesterday and had a good workout. Onlyl two real built guys in the gym yesterday and we have concluded they are roid boys. Nobody is that fine without help. Also, both of their backs were broke out pretty bad. Sure sign of steroids. Very built guys though. Envious? Yes of course. I've done the roid thing though and wont take that route again. It doesnt last. We had a good hard work out. Did chest and triceps. Now if I can just keep the consistency up is whats important. Well I have to make this a shor post because it is time to get ready for work. Everone have a good day. I will touch base more later.
Rick

Getting back to the gym

Well, we are going to be heading back into the gym today to try and start 2011 in a good way. I am going to re-commit myself again. I know I won't grow if I don't stay with it for sure. I have to work #1 on nutrition, #2 on consistency, and #3 on intensity. Like my partner told me "you can't get depressed and go to bed for days every time you see a built guy with the body you want".  I really do try hard to NOT get depressed but its not that easy for me. It just happens. I wish there was a magic switch to turn on and off but there's not. Everyone says I should have a more positive outlook on life, but they never tell me where that switch is either. My problem is I do comparisons with other people and the only thing I should have to compare Me to is Me. Sounds easy right? Ok we'll just go with that for now. I think its not totally their bodies that I envy , it's their inner strength, confidence, masculinity and self esteem they exude and that they are comfortable in their own skin. I sure would like to know what that feels like. I keep hoping I will get old enough (and should be already) that I just don't give a shit, but that day has not come yet either!!  I sure wish it would. You know this crap was on my mind as soon as I opened my eyes this morning.  I guess I am just an insecure guy and always will be.

That brings to mind another thing. I have only been on my own maybe about two months in my entire life. Otherwise, I have either had a roommate or a partner. I was with my first partner for 20 years, and with my current partner for 11 years.  So I know that I am codependent also. Being on my own has always been a scary thought and I don't even have the self confidence to think that I could make it on my own if I had to. Do all my insecurities stem from my childhood? Of course. Everything stems from childhood and effects who we are. I don't play the blame game or anything like that. I know what causes my depression and BDD; Life causes it. It's not a matter of what caused it. It's a matter of how do I fix it.  That's the answer I need to find. How do I fix it and feel comfortable in my skin and finally like myself?  When I figure out that question, I will let you all know and close the blog. Any  suggestions as to where I can find that magic switch?

Have a great day guys. I sure am going to try.
Thanks for reading and caring about the hell in my mind.
Rick.

Some inspiration for the New Year.

Hi guys. Here is a poem that hangs in my cubical at work. I read it from time to time and think its pretty awesome. Maybe soneone else can get some inspiration from it or share it. One year I typed it up in old english font and put it on caligraphy paper and framed it for Christmas gifts for some friends. Here it it. Enjoy, and hope it helps.

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! -- see below

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

*If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

*Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
*But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
*You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
*Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

*  the things I need to remember and live by for sure.



Happy New year everyone!

Happy New Year everyone. Hope every one had an enjoyable and safe New Years Eve. We went to a friends house so ours was nice and peaceful.

If your reading my blog for the first time, please go to the bottom and read the first post. This blogger keeps the new posts on top.

I want to talk a little bit about my hopes and aspirations for 2011. My hope of course is to find a way to get better help and stop with my obsessing and letting BDD have such control in my life. I'm not one to make promises or resolutions but I will say I will try just as hard as I can to improve my mind and body. Not trying at all sure as hell wont get me where I want to be either. I have to find a way to up our intensity in the gym.A friend suggested a Trainer, which would be awesome but with things the way they are right now were lucky to make our gym memberships and supplements. He said they would be better motivation and support than our partners can be. We hear things different evidently when they are coming from someone else and I know hes right about that.  I also have to find a better way to manage my diet and get the right mix of good complex carbs, good fats and lots of protein. My partner bought some new protein powder and pre-workout drinks so that will help. We already have some but don't I don't like it. I wish I could be all happy and joyful and say 2011 is going to be wonderful and all that but I cant. 2011 is going to be a struggle for me as was 08,09,10 etc. Every day is a challenge to not obsess and get myself depressed. I am going to go into 2011 with an open mind and hopes that things will be better and bring a renewed drive to improve and get healthy both mentally and physically.

I wanted to talk a little more about what BDD is to other people and how bad it effects their lives. BDD is what people have when they have anorexia and bulimia. They too have a distorted body image. They see themselves as fat. Where I see myself as thin and frail. From what I have read, people will obsess about specific things like their nose, skin, ears etc. Some people also get "Stuck" in front of a mirror. One lady spent 10 hours stuck in front of a mirror trying to get ready to go outside and she missed her event because she could not leave the mirror. It can be a very devastating disorder for the person that has it and everyone closely involved with that person. Some on the other hand avoid mirrors altogether. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror but I don't get stuck there for sure. The mind sure does some crazy shit!

Here are a couple of sites about and for people with BDD if you would like to look or share.

http://www.psychforums.com/body-dysmorphic-disorder/

http://www.bddcentral.com/

Also i want to give a quick mention about "triggers". Most people do have triggers that can bring on episodes of depression and anxiety. Most of mine seem to be in the gym. My partner said a friend triggered my last bad episode. I thought it was the guy in the gym. It's really hard to tell most times what exactly the trigger is but it could have been either. I still don't feel a lot better since my last episode of depression and would love to have stayed in bed last night but went out nonetheless. The friend "trigger" that my partner is talking about is someone that is very out of shape and has every excuse in the world. We got into a conversation about health and he said he felt that was my trigger right there.

I was just told I need to wrap it up for a bit. Just want to leave you with a little thought I have stuck up in my cubie  at work. "Be kinder than usual because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".

Thanks for sharing The Hell In my Mind.
Here's to a Happy and Healthy 2011 for All.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Rick